


Don't Drink Ed Drive

by calm_crackhead



Category: Ed Edd n Eddy
Genre: Car Sex, Cunnilingus, Dirty Talk, Eddy could be younger or older than you idc, F/M, Hair Pulling Kink, I could say underage sex too but I didn't clearly state your guys' ages, Jealousy, Kinda, Mild Fluff, Porn With Plot, Possessiveness, Rated E for Edsplicit, Teasing, Underage Drinking, dom reader, he's also a brat i don't know why, implied exhibitionism, or rather Edshibitionism, puns, teehee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-22 11:10:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21301076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calm_crackhead/pseuds/calm_crackhead
Summary: You and Eddy go out on a double date with your friends before things start going downhill, then rapidly uphill.
Relationships: Ed/May Kanker, Eddy (Ed Edd n Eddy)/Reader
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14





	Don't Drink Ed Drive

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first EEnE fanfic I've ever made, but definitely not my first fanfic ever.  
It's pretty long for one of my fics, and I got interrupted around a thousand times while writing it.  
I'm not the absolute smut master, but I consider myself fairly good at writing dirty talk. If you want to give me advice on how to improve my, erm... wording? I'll certainly welcome it.  
Anyway, sit back, relax, grab some popcorn, and let's get right into this.
> 
> Quick little disclaimer: I've never been given head in the driver's seat of a car, so I don't know if it would work out the same way as it does in this fantasy fic.  
Don't try this at home, kids.

It started off as a normal double-date with Ed and May. Double D was staying at home, or so he said. More than likely he was seeing someone too, but whenever you pestered him about it, he either changed the subject or became dead silent, creating an unmistakable awkwardness in the air. He was probably fucking Kevin, maybe Marie. Maybe _both._

You were at a dance club/bar with the couple mentioned in the beginning, your boyfriend Eddy with you, obviously. Since it was a double date.

Everything went rather smoothly until Eddy excused himself to the bathroom, saying, "I gotta take a wicked whiz, I'll be right back, babe, and guys," acknowledging Ed and May.

He hadn't been back in ten minutes, and you were left looking at Ed and May being lovey-dovey across from the booth table you were all sitting at.

You sipped on your club soda pensively. You would've liked to be chugging a few beers like your money-hungry boyfriend was, but you were the designated driver for this little outing, since May was too young to be driving, Eddy was NOT going to a bar without drinking alcohol, and Ed... well, that's pretty self-explanatory.

You and Eddy started dating in the middle of your sophomore year. He loved having you help out with his petty scams, and it kind of happened spontaneously. Like, there wasn't really any sort of big 'I do' or whatever. A hand-hold there, a peck on the cheek here, you eventually made it official by pushing Eddy up against a school locker and kissing him on the lips for the first time. It was a bit ballsy of you, but he sure as hell didn't complain. In fact, he wrapped his legs around your waist when you did.

Now it was the almost the beginning of your senior year... time sure did fly. But you didn't really do anything more intense than makeout when his parents weren't home. It made you wonder...

"Hey, uh, (Y/n)?" May snapped you out of your thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"Me and Ed are gonna dance, you wanna get Eddy and join in?"

"Nah, he might've had one too many beers. That's probably why he's been gone for so long." You got up from the booth, leaving your non-alcoholic drink behind. "I just hope he isn't puking his brains out. God knows he needs what's left of them."

Ed chuckled and May gave a half-hearted grin. "Well, see ya later. Come on, snookums, let's dance," she said, grabbing onto one of Ed's enormous hands.

"Bye, (Y/n)!" Ed said, waving at you with the other, getting dragged off by May. You couldn't help but smile at their antics.

You decided to check over by the bathrooms, although you weren't allowed to go into the men's bathroom, you were sure the staff would understand.

You looked at the urinals that were surprisingly untaken, and bent down to check the stalls.

Nope, Eddy's shoes weren't in sight, so he wasn't throwing up, like you thought he might have been. Only one stall was taken by none other than Plank. Jeez, after all these years, you thought Jonny would have out-grown him.

Sighing out of annoyance, you continued your search outside of the bathroom.

Could he have ditched? No. Well, maybe. He didagree to pay for everybody's drinks--which you were proud of him for, considering how greedy he was with his money--but perhaps he chickened out and went home. You made a mental note to chew him out if he did indeed do that.

Just as you were thinking the night couldn't get any better, yes, that was sarcasm, you saw Eddy sitting at the bar talking to two chicks, obviously enjoying himself.

_Oh, God_, you thought. You felt like marching over and pulling him by his (perfect) hair out of the club. You took a deep breath to calm yourself, and did a much more rational thing.

You walked over to where Eddy was. "Hey, _baby_," you said, pressing your body against him, "who ya talking to?"

He looked up at you. "Hey, (Y/n), this is Chardonnay and Margarita. Say hi, girls."

They smiled at you. "Hi."

"Hey," you said, forcing a smile. "Could you excuse us for a second?"

You gripped onto Eddy's shoulder with a strength that could rival steel and pulled him away to a nearby corner.

"What," you began, shoving him up against a wall, much like you did with that school locker almost two years prior, "the _fuck _do you think you're doing?"

"Uh," Eddy said nervously, "getting pushed up against a wall by you?"

He was trying to dodge your question. "Talking to those girls, I mean."

"Ooh," he said, grinning deviously. "I didn't take you for the jealous type, (Y/n). I was just having a bit of fun. Is there some sort of law against flirting?"

"I'm not jealous," you started off with a lie, "and no, it's not illegal to flirt. It's just you said you'd be _right _back to our booth. Fifteen minutes later, you're chatting up a pair of sluts and buying them drinks!"

"If you're not jealous, why are ya callin' 'em sluts?" Eddy tsked. "That's not very nice to say."

"Oh, sorry, I misspoke. What I meant to say was _you _are acting like a slut and buying a pair of lovely ladies drinks," you said viciously. You didn't even know where _that _came from.

Eddy averted his eyes and closed his legs together. "I didn't even buy them drinks..." he mumbled.

"That reminds me," you said, loosening your grip, you noticed that Eddy didn't try struggling free. "You said you were going to pay for all of our drinks. Guess you'd better pay now, huh? Because you'll be leaving early."

"Babe, what d'ya mean? I'm not--"

"C'mon, Eddy, if you leave, I need to leave too; I'm the designated driver."

Still confused, Eddy let you lead him to the bar.

"Hey, um, bartender dude?" you said, attracting said dude's attention. He stopped cleaning some stupid cup over and over and walked over to you two.

"Yes, Miss...?"

Remembering your fake ID that you had to produce before you stepped into the club, you said the phony last name.

"Mm-hmm, what can I do for you?"

"Well, my boyfriend would like to pay for our party and those two's drinks up to this point," you gestured to Chardonnay and Margarita.

"Okay." The bartender did some typing and bleep-bloop, the current total apparently popped up. "Forty-two dollars and fifteen cents is your total."

Eddy looked off. "Well, I guess that could have been worse." Then he felt you grabbing his ass.

"_Babe_!" Eddy's voice cracked; he was embarrassed. No pun intended.

"Get your mind out of the gutter. I was just feeling for your wallet." You smiled wolfishly, knowing those sluts were watching, and pulled out his wallet, which was still connected to its chain.

You opened his wallet. "Here we are." You counted sixty dollars, three twenties.

"The total's forty fifteen. Not sixty," Eddy pointed out, wondering why he let you handle his wallet in the first place.

"It's forty-_two _fifteen. Wow, you really _are _tipsy."

His cheeks heated up. "Says you! You're givin' him way more than he said for you to out of my hard-earned cash!"

"If you didn't notice, our friends are still here, they might want a few more drinks. It's only fair."

You slid Eddy's wallet back into his pocket, and handed the barkeep the cash.

"Our friends are a girl with long blond hair and buck teeth, and a tall guy with a buzz cut wearing a green coat. Sound familiar?"

The barkeep thought for a moment, then nodded. "They're on the dance floor."

"Bingo. If they come your way, tell 'em we had to leave. Oh, and whatever they don't spend, you can go ahead and keep, _hot stuff_."

The bartender blushed. "Alright."

"See ya." You winked.

You only said that shit to irritate Eddy and teach him a lesson, but you weren't about to tell him that. You just wanted him to feel as angry as you did.

You turned to him. Yep, he was beet red and looked like he was about to blow a gasket.

You grabbed Eddy's arm and led him out of the club, right into the late August heat, and then into your somewhat beat-up truck. You could still hear the club's music from inside.

He sat in the passenger seat with his arms crossed, fuming.

You couldn't say you didn't feel a little bit bad. The bartender wasn't particularly cute, and he wasn't... your type. Like, at all.

Oh well, at least he would learn not to test your patience anymore. That, or you guys would have to go your separate ways.

You started up the truck, and drove out of the parking lot.

Maybe one or two miles down the road home to the cul-de-sac, Eddy spoke up.

"I dunno why you did that."

"Did what? Pass someone? Be more specific."

"You know what I'm fuckin' talking about."

You could feel his stare on your skin. "Was it back at the bar?"

"Yeah. Think long and hard about what you said to that jackass bartender."

"Ooh," you began, mimicking his tone from earlier that night, "are you _jealous, _Eddy? I never would have taken you for the jealous type. I was only trying to have fun."

He scoffed. "No, you weren't. You were trying to get back at me for talkin' with those chicks."

You gasped dramatically. "Really? I thought I was trying to summon Cthulhu."

You almost made him laugh. Almost. He would've laughed if he wasn't so mad, and yes, jealous.

He was quiet for a few moments, before sighing. "What does he have that I don't?"

You thought for a moment. "Well, he had well-defined muscles, for a bartender. Glasses, and he was tall. About 6'3, I think." [Whoops, now he kinda sounds like Grillby.]

Eddy knew that wasn't your type, but continued playing your game, grinning deviously as he did earlier.

"I bet he couldn't eat you out as well as I can."

Your heart practically stopped and you pulled off to the side of the road abruptly.

You looked him dead in the eye. "I'm sorry, _what?_"

He scooted over to you, and put his hand on your thigh. "I said, I bet he couldn't eat your pussy as good as I can."

Your cunt throbbed, and your interest grew. "Yeah?" Your voice came out breathy, so you cleared your throat. "How much you wanna bet?"

"Sixty bucks."

You laughed. "You're awfully confident. You've never given me head before."

"True, but I know from experience that I'm pretty good with my tongue. We've frenched before."

"You also get loud whenever we kiss like that," you noted.

Eddy laughed softly. "Only because you like pulling my hair so much. Seriously, what's up with that?"

You blushed. "I might have a thing for your moans."

"Oh yeah? Like this?" He leant closer to your ear, you could smell his cologne stronger than before, his voice seemingly breathless, "A-ahh, _please_\-- mmmf... fuck me~"

You were speechless. You couldn't believe he just said that. You blushed harder than you were before.

His voice went back to normal, "Is that why you like shoving me up against stuff and groping my ass?" then to a whisper, "Making me your _needy _littleslut?"

You found your voice again, looking at him in his half-lidded eyes. He was enjoying teasing you like this. "Shouldn't you be using your mouth for something else?" You asked rather bad-assedly.

"We haven't finalized the bet, babe."

"Okay. Then what are your, er, terms and conditions?" you replied, forgetting the words for a second.

"We can't just have you get head from me, then that giraffe-lookin' ass bartender, and have you decide who's better, for painfully obvious reasons. So..." Eddy paused, apparently in thought. "Howza bout this? You go ahead and drive us home, and you get sixty bucks, unless you come in my mouth _or _mess with my hair. But knowing you, you'll probably be doing both before we even reach the cul-de-sac."

Damn, that was a pretty snarky thing to say. Peach Creek was only seven miles away, and the cul-de-sac would take not long at all to get to once you were there.

"Are you sure you wanna do this while I'm driving? It'll be an awkward position."

Instead of backing down, Eddy just smirked. "Afraid you won't be able to keep your eyes off me?"

"Hell no. Take off my pants and let's get this show on the road."

"Heh. Nice one."

He unzipped your pants, you helped shuffle them off, and he threw them carelessly into the small backseat.

He had most of his upper body on your lap, twisting his body a bit to make up for the weird angle. You adjusted your hips slightly so that your crotch was more accessible.

Even in the semi-darkness, he could see that your panties were pretty damp. "_God,_ baby. Did I do that? I'm flattered."

You stared down at him, somewhat in shock. He looked more lewd than you could have possibly imagined, sly little smirk and all.

"Are you gonna get back on the road, or watch me? I really wouldn't mind either way. Easy money's the best money."

You finally got ahold of yourself and started driving, and noticed someone was coming up behind you.

"Shit. Someone's behind us. Right on time--" you were stopped in the middle of your sentence by Eddy licking a straight line up your wet panties.

"I would've taken these off too, but you only said for me to take your pants off. I didn't want to disobey ya," Eddy explained, and licked another line.

"OhmyfuckingGod, just take them off, jackass!" you exclaimed, exasperated.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, but you'll have to come to a complete stop before I can take them off. It's the rules of the road."

"Oh, what luck, a stop sign."

You hit the brakes a little bit too hard and took off your panties hurriedly with one hand, nearly tearing them.

Eddy looked up at you and smirked. "Does my tongue feel _that _good?"

"No shit, Sherlock. Back to it."

"Yes, ma'am."

Your breathing hitched when he said that, a fact that didn't go unnoticed by him, and you went back to driving.

_Thank God that person behind us turned_, you thought.

Eddy didn't waste any time, and started kitten licking you. "Mmm, you taste _so_ good, baby. I've been missin' out." Another long lick, and a moan. "_Fuck, _I wonder how you taste when you come..."

He didn't say he was gonna talk dirty to you _and _moan while eating you out! If you didn't speed up, you weren't gonna last. And you'd lose sixty dollars.

You pressed down on the accelerator, you just had to ride a straight lane.

_I can think of something else I could ride. _You shook your head. Begone thought.

Eddy was sucking on your clit now, flicking his tongue over it occasionally. "How about we pull over?"

You moaned softly, stopping yourself from bucking your hips. You tried distracting yourself by mentally retracing your steps from the cul-de-sac to the club. You just had to rely on your gut feeling and you'd be home in no time.

"Seriously, mmf-- you could pull over, fuck my face," _Lick._ "and keep driving like nothing happened." _Suck. _"Christ, I'd be so hard-- I'd fuck myself right here," _Side-to-side. _"not even caring if someone drove past us and saw me."

It was getting difficult to focus all of your mental energy on the road, to say the least.

"Actually," Eddy's left hand slithered off your hip, his right was holding him steady on your other. "I'd probably be into that shit. I'd look at the people in the car and think, yeah, I'm hers, and she's--_ffffuck_\--she's got me this fucking horny."

You noticed the exit sign leading to Peach Creek and swerved. Shit, you'd almost missed your exit. Hardly any more time and you'd be golden.

Feeling cocky because you knew your way back home by heart now, you said, "Better hurry up if you want that sixty bucks, Eddy. We're almost at--"

He stuck his tongue inside you, and damn he had a long tongue. [I mean, he can balance on it!] He licked against your G spot desperately, as a last resort to make you come.

"Please, please come, baby, I _need _that sixty bucks," he whispered frantically against your cunt, diving back in and out like an overworked lifeguard. "Please, I'll let you cuff me when we get back," In, out, "you can do whatever you want to me," in, out, "my parents aren't home, they won't hear us!"

Holy shit, Eddy really wanted his sixty bucks back. You barely choked back a barrage of moans during his rant.

You pulled over at some random shop, put the car in park and looked down at him.

Wow, what a hot mess. A nearby streetlamp illuminated his face, which was redder than when he was pissed at you flirting with the barkeep. Some of your cum was on his nose, his left hand was cupping his dick through his jeans, and his mouth was open, revealing his light green tongue. You guessed he was surprised that you finally pulled over.

"Well, scooch over," you said, lifting your legs so you could put them in between you two, your head resting on the car door's window sill. "Your face isn't gonna fuck itself."

Eddy's face lit up like a Christmas tree. "I knew ya wouldn't be able to resist. Begging turns you on."

He crawled over to you and wrapped his arms around your lower body, pulling you a bit closer so that you were practically shoving your cunt in his face.

"I'm so happy you caved, (Y/n), I've been trying to make you come forever."

You giggled. "More like five minutes."

"Whatever! Basically a really long time. So... what do you want me to do? What gets you off faster?" he asked in a husky tone. "Do you like it when I do fast, little licks?" Eddy barely put the tip of his tongue inside you, pulled out, and repeated himself for a bit. "How about when I wrap--_nnh_\--my mouth around your clit and just suck you? I felt your thighs tense up when I did earlier, don't try denying it." He started to suck you off, causing you to moan and buck your hips sporadically. He moaned in response, making your clit vibrate, and pulled away. Before he could blurt out another risque comment, you were fisting his hair, and his comment got replaced with an erotic groan.

You were slightly annoyed. "Do _not _stop again unless I tell you to. Now, do what you were doing before I pulled over."

Eddy grinned. "What? Be more specific."

"You were licking all the way up to my G spot, dude. That was fucking _hot_, and why I pulled over."

He was awfully pleased with himself. "I tried telling ya, I'm really good with my tongue."

You led him back down with your hand in his hair. Your pussy was dripping wet, both with your cum and Eddy's saliva, you would've come had he not pulled away.

He unexpectedly kissed up your thigh while looking at you. He didn't have to say 'I love you' for you to know it. That's how your relationship worked.

He finally plunged his tongue into your cunt, closing his eyes and trying to focus on breathing through his nose now that he didn't have to rush.

You rocked your hips in sync with his tongue, which was moving back and forth, brushing along your G spot rather gently. For a while, anyway. Soon enough, your thighs were figuratively crushing his head as you said various words that you didn't really put thought into saying. Your hands gripped his hair as you came.

Eddy came up slowly, a thin line of viscous liquid connecting his protruding top lip to your cunt, before he licked his lips, severing it.

"I almost hate to break it to ya, babe, but you lost the bet. _Badly_."

You smiled. "Not that badly, I get to handcuff you when we get to your house."

His face remained coy. "Sounds like a win-win."

"We should make bets like this more often."

"Yeah."

"Where the hell are my pants?"

* * *

A disgruntled Double D was driving to the dance club Eddy and his girlfriend had been at. Keyword: had. Apparently they ditched Ed and May there to go and do who knows what, leaving their beanie-wearing friend to pick up the pieces. They tried calling both Eddy and (Y/n), but it went straight to voicemail each time. So naturally, they _had _to call him.

Now he had to go to some more than likely unsanitary, seedy facility to be a good friend.

"Curse coitus interupptus," Double D mumbled to himself.


End file.
